Are the Stages of Grief Used Inappropriately?

In 1969 Elizabeth Kuebler-Ross published a book, On Death and Dying, which described the five stages of grief; these were thought to be five discreet stages which people pass through when dealing with news of their terminal illness.

The stages were Denial ("this can't be happening to me"), Anger ("why me? It's not fair"), Bargaining (“I'll do anything for a few more years"), Depression ("I'm going to die – what's the point?”), and Acceptance.

Unfortunately these five stages have been applied to grief experienced by third parties third parties - espouses, family members and so on. They are often used in therapy by grief counselors following the major tragedies involving numbers of dead victims. However, a book written by Ruth Davis Konigsberg called "The Truth about Grief" has reviewed published literature on studies of grief processes, and determined that Kubler-Ross' five stages cannot readily be applied to third-party grief. Their grief is not a series of steps with a psychological finish (often termed closure), but rather a collection of symptoms that come and go and, finally, simply disappear.

Other myths surrounding grief for the loss of others are treated in the book. Thus anger is not something that must be expressed. People who suppress anger at their loss were shown in a study to be less depressed and anxious and had fewer health complaints over a year later than those who expressed negative emotions. Also, grief is not harder on women than on men. Relatively speaking, men suffer more from being briefed then women, probably because they have smaller, less supportive groups of friends. And, despite the wide availability of grief counselors in the USA, counseling is not particularly effective for adults in the majority of cases.

Dr Konigsberg's conclusion is that most people are resilient enough to get through loss on their own, without stages all phases or tasks. Professional help should be reserved for those who show severe symptoms of depression or despair.